saying goodbye was never easy.
he feels numb. that was the only way to describe it. he knows he's sliding down the wall and he knows tears are rolling down his cheeks but he can't feel. he can't feel anything.
a hand lands on his knee and he already knows who it is, he knows just by looking at him he won't be able to stop the mess he'll turn into.
"kiseoppie." alexander's hand disappears and the oldest of the group sits down beside him. "it'll be okay." he whispers. kiseop isn't an idiot. it's a lie, it's a damn lie and this is all so fucked up and he wants to scream and throw things and cry and plead and beg—
he can't help but snort in disbelief, avoiding the older man's eyes. "don't you remember?" he questions quietly, hugging his legs to his chest. "th-that episode for your show. you texted me and said you were quitting." he murmurs. "then it was all a joke but this, this isn't a joke, xander hyung, you and kibum can't..." his voice cracks and he shuts his eyes, burying his face into his knees.
alexander's quiet, and the only reason kiseop knows he's still there is the warmth his body gives off. it feels like hours have passed (for all he knows, maybe they have) when he hears a quiet "i'm sorry" spoken in english.
the apology makes him wince (he has no reason to apologize, it isn't his fault, it isn't kibum's fault, he shouldn't be sorry at all) but he nods anyway.
kiseop's surprised when he feels alexander's head rest on his shoulder and his throat closes on him when the older man's hand grabs his and laces their fingers together. "it'll be okay. no matter what happens, i'll support you guys." kiseop notices his korean is slightly broken and it makes him smile, just a bit.
there's silence again and kiseop wants to say something, anything to break it, but his mind is blank. all he can do is lean his head against alexander's, trying not think about the future. the future that doesn't include alexander and kibum.
he isn't aware he had started crying again until alexander says something about him being such a crybaby and exactly like kevin under his breath and the older man's fingers brush his tears away.
he feels numb again.
it's loud. the fans are screaming and yelling and alexander can barely think, barely hear. he doesn't want this to be the end. he didn't choose this, he didn't suddenly decide he was going to leave six (five, his mind corrects) of the best friends he had ever had and he can't help it as he cries into kiseop's shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut against the tears.
it hurts. it hurts more than anyone could ever possibly know.
alexander is packing when there's a knock on the door. the alarm clock resting on a table between two beds reads 1:04am (he couldn't get to sleep and neither could soohyun — he was in the shower) and he frowns. he sets down the pair of socks in his hands and he can't say he's surprised when he opens the door to see kiseop with red eyes and hair sticking up all over the place.
he tries not to laugh, but a small chuckle escapes anyway. "why are you awake?" he asks, crossing his arms over his chest.
"i could ask you the same thing." kiseop retorts with that famous pout of his.
"touché." alexander murmurs in english, then sighs. "you should get some sleep, we have to wake up in a few hours." he points out.
kiseop just stares at him and for a moment, alexander's afraid he's going to start crying again. he opens his mouth to say something but without warning a pair of arms wrap around him. he swallows and he wants to cry, so badly, but he shouldn't because there isn't anything he can do about it and—
a small noise from kiseop breaks him out of his thoughts and he's proved right.
he shuts his eyes and hugs the younger man back.
it still hurts. he thinks it always will.
it's a monday morning when alexander wakes up and realizes he has nothing to do. no pops in seoul, no the m-wave, no recordings, no photoshoots, no dance practice. nothing.
tears are falling before he can stop them (he thinks he's been crying too much lately) and he wipes them away angrily when his phone starts buzzing.
good morning hyung~ you and i are going out for lunch today, no protesting. pick a place, any place. it's on me. ^^
how are you doing? i miss you. we all do.
he manages a laugh and grabs his phone, wiping at his eyes again before texting a reply.
surprise me, you pick. i miss you all too. and i'm fine. i promise. :)
one little lie never hurt anyone.
a/n: uh this wasn't supposed to turn out that angsty, I swear. they were supposed to be happy. ;~; annnd this is my first U-Kiss fic so I hope I did them justice. .___.